stop explaining yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you
the girls that get it...get it
last december…i was in arizona for my grandfather’s funeral.
my entire dad’s side of the family is in the phoenix area.
i recently wrote an essay about my relationship with arizona…but one thing i’ve picked up on from my visits throughout my life (and didn’t mention before) (and might be common knowledge) is that arizona definitely leans more red than blue. and not just politically… but culturally: with their loose-ass gun laws, american flags hanging from every third porch, and people unironically wearing cowboy boots and western wear.
i’ve only ever lived in liberal bubbles. i was born and raised in los angeles (where i currently live), but i also lived in new york city for six years. both places are pretty accepting when it comes to celebrating individualism. when i walk out the door, i’m usually embraced for the way i present myself and not judged for it…because i’m in environments where dressing more “alt” is the norm.
for my grandfather’s funeral…i wanted to make sure i was dressed to the fucking nines in his honor. there was no way i was going to show up wearing something mid: i wore a very cunty tulle maxi skirt and this oversized button-down i got in tokyo…i looked like a chic vampire (i’d show a picture of the outfit, but i didn’t take any as i wasn’t exactly thinking about taking fit pics at a literal funeral so just trust that my outfit went crazy).
after my grandfather's funeral…i stopped by cvs to grab some makeup wipes before heading back to my hotel (still in my funeral outfit and everything). when i walked in…i was immediately greeted to a sea of red necks (all dressed like they were either heading to bass pro shop or a monster truck rally) who all collectively turned their heads the second the sliding doors opened.
the amount of judgmental stares i received was comical (but expected). people were looking me up and down like i’d walked in butt naked. i remember walking through the beauty aisle and some middle-aged couple passed me and muttered under their breath, “that’s a bold look…for cvs” and then at checkout, the cashier said some shit like, “i guess you’re really trying to get some attention with that look on.”
after i walked out of cvs and headed back to the hotel…i was thinking about my 15-minute experience being in this arizona cvs and thinking to myself “damn! i thought i looked cool…why was everybody side-eyeing me like this?”
but then i had a come-to-jesus moment where i had to remind myself: “babe, you are not in los angeles anymore. you are in the hot ass republican desert of tempe, arizona. people are not gonna pick up what you’re putting down when it comes to your look”.
if you’ve ever had the unfortunate experience of feeling excluded…it’s very easy to energetically pick up on whether you’re in a space that accepts or rejects you. nobody necessarily has to say anything…you can just feel the thick-ass, judgmental tension in the air.
as much as i want to believe that the majority of the people are open-minded...that is a pipe dream. the truth is that most people decide who you are before you even open your mouth. lots of people can’t help but bring their own baggage into every interaction and project that onto others.
being misunderstood can be incredibly frustrating.
a few weeks ago…i wrote about discovering that not everyone has an internal monologue (which honestly shocked me) and how there are multiple different ways people think and process information.
i think it's a beautiful thing that no two people think exactly the same… and that there are a vast amount of perspectives and so many different kinds of brains. with that said…being misunderstood (while easier said than done) isn’t something to take personally.
the way you think and make sense of the world is entirely your own: your upbringing… your experiences… even the tiny, forgettable moments… have shaped you in ways no one else can replicate. and that uniqueness isn’t just abstract… it’s embedded in how your brain works, how you feel, how you’ve moved through the world. everything from how you read tone… to how you handle conflict… to what you prioritize in a conversation comes from that personal wiring.
and this goes for every. single. living. breathing. person.
so when someone doesn’t understand your vibe, or misreads your intentions, it’s not always because you’re lame. a lot of the time, it’s just a mismatch in perception…and it doesn’t make them wrong (unless it's rooted in racism, sexism, or any form of bigotry) but just them having a different mental blueprint than you.
but this further emphasizes the importance of seeking out people who actually accept and see you for you…and removing yourself from places that will never pick up what you’re putting down.
in the same way there are people committed to misunderstanding you…there are also people out there who will genuinely get you: your quirks, your interests, your weird little hobbies and hyper fixations…like one man's trash is another man's treasure. and i think that's something worth remembering when you find yourself in rooms full of people who just don't get your vibe.
whether we like it or not…everyone is subject to being misunderstood at some point in their lives.
that is simply the price we pay for living on this great green earth filled with millions of different people.
if you enjoyed this piece…here are some others i’d recommend:
it could be your city next
it’s such a privilege to only experience a horrific atrocity through the screen of your phone.
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