berlin had a chokehold on me

reflecting on my study abroad experience in 2018

i studied abroad in berlin in 2018.

when people study abroad…it’s usually london…paris…or somewhere in spain….choosing berlin felt like such a wildcard pick.

i remember telling people i was going to berlin and *to this day* i can still visualize the confusion form on peoples faces in real time.

like…of all places…why berlin?

thinking about who i was at 21…it actually made perfect sense. i was the type to gravitate toward anything slightly off-the-beaten-path. admittedly…i was one of those people who did things just to seem *cool* or *different* (i fully leaned into the “i’m not like other girls” energy) and that definitely played a role in choosing somewhere as niche as berlin.

but honestly? i’m glad my early 20s pretentiousness took me to germany for six months.

me in berlin (fall 2018)

if i could sum up the city of berlin with one title…i’d say it’s the epitome of the rebrand city. it’s a place that has completely rewritten its own narrative in so many different ways. and when you walk around…you can’t escape the contrast.

like…it’s literally everywhere.

i remember like…a month into living in berlin? i went to the east side gallery which is essentially this long stretch of the berlin wall that’s now covered with layers of graffiti and protest art. the crazy thing is that if you pulled up on it without knowing the history…you’d probably just think it’s some trendy public art installation. something about that has always felt super fucking dystopian to me considering that a place that was once called the “death strip.” has evovled into this incredibly instagrammable mural backdrop thing.

back in 2009…lacma hosted an art installation called the “berlin wall project” which featured ten original segments of the berlin wall in a public exhibition commemorating the 20th anniversary of its fall. it’s currently placed right across the street from lacma. i bring this up because i remember going to lacma for the first time when i was like 15? (this was 2014) before i knew literally anything about the cold war and looking across the street…seeing it…and thinking “omg wow! what a pretty mural!” without me having any clue as to what it actually was (i even posted a photo of it on instagram (now deleted) at the time with some artsy…slightly insensitive caption like "beauty in destruction" or "walls are meant to be painted, not built" like something embarrassingly off-base). and then of course i got older and learned and then went to berlin to see it myself and was like “oh shit” so i’m calling myself out with that one lol.

photo i took of the berlin wall across the street from lacma (you can tell that it’s 2014 solely based on the heavy vsco cam filter lol)

my dorm was super close to checkpoint charlie, and i’d pass by it every time i got on the u-bahn to go to class. it’s wild because checkpoint charlie used to be the main border crossing between east and west berlin. mind you…this was a spot where people were interrogated, detained, sometimes even shot trying to escape…and now it’s a full-on tourist trap flanked by a mcdonald’s…a currywurst stand…and some random-ass museum with actors dressed like american soldiers charging a few euros for selfies. like I said…the contrast is trippy as fuck.

even down to the nightlife! after the fall of the berlin wall…the city was full of abandoned buildings and forgotten industrial spaces that once were factories…train depots…and military complexes (especially in the east) and instead of demolishing the buildings…artists turned those warehouses…power plants…and factories into crazy ass nightclubs and creative sanctuaries.

and while we’re on the topic of the nightlife in berlin…holy fucking shit! when people say that berlin’s nightlife is crazy…

bitch. it is fucking crazy.

i just remember countless nights where i’d be out until the wee hours of the morning with that classic four-on-the-floor european house music beat (that honestly should be trademarked) pounding so hard i could feel it in my chest.

admittedly when i was at nyu… i was pretty feral when it came to going out. i mean…what else do you expect when you go to college in a city like new york? it almost felt like a disservice not to take full advantage of the chaos. but when i got to berlin…everything turned up a notch.

i was fucking on one: staying out for 12 hours straight and going straight from the club to class…my invincibility complex fully activated as i mixed god knows how many substances with zero regard for my well-being…having sex in the bathrooms of clubs with randoms (which i absolutely had no business doing in those grimy ass bathrooms…so unsanitary of me)…and just spending every second checking resident advisor to guide me through the night. i remember one time i was out (i want to say it was either sisyphos or about blank) i went to go pee at one point and i caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror and my eyeliner had smudged into full raccoon territory, my braids were frizzed at the edges, and my pupils were blown the fuck out. i just stood there..staring at my reflection and thinking “jesus christ…i look insane.”

at 27-years-old…i like a little night out every once in a while but i will never return to that feral unhinged being i was back then…she has been totally put to rest but i can’t deny that it was a good time and i’m grateful that i’m (miraculously) still here to tell the tale.

but my time in berlin wasn’t all just me going crazy…there were many other wholesome tidbits about my experience there beyond going out:

being in berlin was my first time in europe... and something i picked up on very quickly is that the sun sets ridiculously late in the summer. there were nights when it would be pushing 9 pm and the sun would be just starting to dip below the horizon. before daylight savings kicked in, i remember walking home from class…basking in golden hour light…weaving past rows of pastel apartments with be the cowboy by mitski on repeat in my headphones (that album had just dropped around the time i arrived) (that album totally soundtracked that semester for me).

photo i took walking by humbolt university

i remember having picnics with the friends i made while abroad at tempelhof (which is a former airport turned massive public park) all of us laying on the dry ass grass, passing around rosé and sharing cigarettes like we had all the time in the world.

before i ever cared about vintage or knew the *thrill* of thrifting…i was already spending sunday afternoons at mauerpark (which is this big ass flea market in berlin that has so much cool shit…from good food to clothes to jewelry and like literally everything) scarfing down apple strudel, weaving through the endless stalls. as i write this essay…i’m thinking that maybe that was like…a little foreshadow as to the flea market vintage shop lover i have evolved into today…like that could have been the earliest glimpse of the person i’d eventually become.

and the christmas markets? don’t even get me fucking started…that shit goes so crazy. there was a big one right outside the nyu berlin campus that i hit up regularly before class…grabbing a glühwein and wandering through the stalls like it was my little pre-lecture ritual. there’s just something about berlin during the holidays that’s absolutely fabulous! the lights…the smell of roasted nuts and sausages in the freezing air…the way everyone’s half-frozen but still lingering like they’ve got nowhere else to be…it felt weirdly magical.

i am so overdue for a trip back to berlin because it’s such a fabulous city. admittedly…one of the reasons why i really wanna go back is because i got rejected from berghain multiple times and i’m determined to redeem myself and get the fuck into that club…but also because i’d love to revisit all the lovely places and spaces i occupied during this cute little period of my life.

if you are thinking about going to berlin…i could not recommend this place enough.

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