learning how to be alone again after a year of healing
enjoying my own company
the other day i wrote about how i spent my 2023 living at home getting my bunions removed (that might be the most unsexy sentence i've ever typed). i call 2023 my “year of stagnation” because that’s exactly what it was…a year of stagnation — spending my time in-between check-ups with my surgeon, icing my feet, and waiting for them to become functional again. it was nothing glamorous…it felt like a long, aching pause.
aside from spending a year of my twenties indoors…watching everyone else move forward while i sat still…the thing i craved most…more than progress, more than momentum…was the simple joy of solo dates. i just wanted to take myself out again: to put on a cute outfit, wander off somewhere, and be quietly alone in the presence of strangers.
god, i missed my solo dates so much. i just love the kind of intimacy that happens when it’s just you and you. it’s not that i don’t enjoy other people’s company...i just like my own company more. maybe that’s selfish…but hey! if it makes me selfish…so be it.
for most of 2023…i couldn’t go anywhere without help. i was in a boot or a cast or some pitiful orthopedic sneaker, which meant going out—especially alone—was mostly off the table.
so mid-december 2023: i had just finished my final round of physical therapy…my feet were finally pain-free…and i was home scrolling aimlessly through instagram when i saw that james blake was doing a dj set at the bellwether in la.
it was part of his cmyk series: a run of low-key, low-capacity dj sets curated entirely by him. there were only three shows: one in london, one in nyc, and one in los angeles. he methotically pieced together each night all by himself — maybe he’d bring out a guest or two to accompany him as he spun whatever moody, glitched-out, genre-bending tracks (or remixes) he felt like playing that night.
it was a one-night-only kind of event. and me…being the massive james blake fan i am…immediately was like “wait this would be such a great way to celebrate me being finished with my bunion surgery journey!” “a nice solo date to a dj set by one of my favorite artists? sign me up!”
but then i looked at the flyer again and realized that i saw the flyer day of…two hours before the concert started.
and at first i was like…“it’s probably sold out” but then i had a little hunch to check and see if there were any tickets available at all…and what do you know? there were still tickets available! like it was meant to be! the stars were aligned!
i thought about it for maybe five minutes…debating the logistics…the parking…the energy it would take to stand for two hours…but then i was like: “i just spent an entire year stagnant recovering from foot surgery and i just got the go-ahead from both my surgeon and my physical therapist that this bunion removal saga of mine is finished…i deserve to go and celebrate!”
so i bought a ticket and was on my merry way.
i walked into the bellwether…my first night out completely bunion-free…and first of all… such a gorgeous venue: moody, minimalist, and cinematic — the ceilings were low and industrial, the walls were a matte black that made the room feel both expansive and private. soft neon glowed behind the bar, and a glittery disco ball hovered overhead.
i found a spot upstairs on the balcony (close enough to see the stage but far enough to not feel suffocated by the compact crowd of people in ga (i’m not a barricade kind of person at all), got a ginger ale, and let the night unfold.
the concert was everything i expected it to be and more: a chill evening filled with left-field r&b deep-cuts, minimal techno, and scattered samples of his own vocals. he did an insane remix of bills, bills, bills that made me audibly gasp (and i still think about to this day) (apologies for the blurry video but the audio is what matters here at the end of the day):
being there felt like i was an invited into his creative inner world…like he cracked open the inside of his subconscious and let the audience walk around inside it for a while. and i loved it. after the show ended, i felt like i was leaving a meditation class or something.
but honestly…i don’t feel like i would have enjoyed that experience as much if i had a companion.
i know it was just a chill night out—just me, my healed feet, a ginger ale, and the quiet joy of returning to myself. but it’s the shit you don’t think about missing when you take a year off to learn how to walk again.
that night i felt the kind of stillness you can only access when you’re alone: no one asking questions, no one pulling your attention elsewhere, just you and the moment, uninterrupted.
if you liked this essay…here are some others i recommend:
i loved you, i believed in you, but i am not you anymore
when i was 21, all i wanted was to be a music artist. that was the plan, the dream, the identity i wrapped around myself like a second skin. i spent my late teens and early 20s studying music at nyu …
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I'm so happy you got that lovely experience -- there is nothing like live music, I feel. I also relate heavily to the sentiment of just loving your own company. There's a comfort when you love your alone time that just feels different (not necessarily in a bad way) when with someone else.
What a beautiful experience 💕 I'm inspired to go out and wander 🤩